in the verge of breakdown

i do think that it isn’t fair for me if i said that i never smile here,in kmpp..i really think that i have done kmpp a real injustice if i said that i never felt happy being here,try to study hard while pursuing my dream..

BUT

i am indeed a pathetic human being if i also lied to myself,telling that i have never been hurt here.it is also the biggest lie i have ever commit if i said that i never burst out in tears while i’m here.

RIGHT NOW

my heart hurt so much that even tearing up will never heal it.what have i felt,what i am feeling right now is something new to me.yes,if some people ask me,are you a cry-baby?yes..i would say yes.it isn’t that i’m being a coward,unable to share my feeling with others,it isn’t that i have never tried to tell others what i have been feeling.

FOR ME

rather than hurting someone else,i rather hurt my feeling.rather than seeing others cried,i rather crying myself.rather than seeing tears bulking on their eyes,i rather bloated in the next morning with eye-bag under my eyes.rather than telling a hurtful truth,i rather lie to myself,keep the truth to myself.rather than showing others my eyes filled with tears,i rather crying in the bathroom,crying without any sound that it hurt my heart so much.rather than seeing others feeling uneasy,uncomfortable around me,i rather filled myself with all those unbearable feelings until it ‘choke’ me.

IT ISN’T THAT

i’m trying to show everyone how good i am,how patient i am.it just that what i have did in order to see others smiling without any insecurities. because i knew how hurt it is when you are hurt,i didn’t want others to encounter what i have encountered,i didn’t want others to feel something that will break their heart into pieces.i’m not being holy here,just want to share how i felt.that’s all..i might ended up pilling up all those unbearable feelings,but it worth it seeing them smile.that’s just how i am.a typical heroic act that not many people understand but i bet there are many who would have done the same.